A Conversation Between Two Trees

A: “I don’t know how little I love you when I loved you.”
B: “What do you mean by little?”
A: “It is always better if my partner has a better or stronger sex drive than I do.”
B: “What do you mean by little?”
A: “I thought I would love you more. I thought based on the way you moved, the way you hold a handful of almonds, the types of doors you sat next to, I thought I would be so irresistibly in love with you.”
B: “I had no idea I would be so disappointing.”
A: “You see, it wasn’t you that is disappointing. It’s my perception of how much I would be capable of loving you that is thoroughly disappointing.”
B: “Have lower expectations?”
A: “You see, I didn’t have any expectations to begin with.”
B: “That seems like a lie.”
A: “Hear me out. When I first met you, I thought of you just as a young sapling. Then as we interacted there were these small buds sprouting randomly and numerously on your small, undeveloped trunk, and I thought – these will bloom very fast and you would be filled with so many blossoms and I would be so overwhelmed with your fragrance.”
B: “But it turned out that only ¼ of me blossom?”
A: “No, all of you bloomed, including the ones in you that I thought wouldn’t bloom, you bloomed stupendously and prodigiously.”
B: “I don’t understand. Where is the disappointment?”
A: “I wanted you to be boring. I want my future wife to be boring. I love boring dates.”
B: “I am sorry I am so interesting.”
A: “Me too.”
B: “What is a boring date?”
A: “We would just hang out. We wouldn’t need to walk. With our legs glued to the ground. Let the wind whistle itself through our leafy hair, our drooping shoulders, cascading through our branches.”
B: “That seems so interesting to me.”
A: “We wouldn’t need to talk or whisper.”
B: “What else?”
A: “I would hold you in my arms. Let my bark hold your bark in the dark.”
B: “What is arousal for a tree?”
A: “Defoliation?”
B: “That’s an orgasm, Madam.”
A: “So much sadness.”
B: “And, departure in an orgasm.”
A: “Soaking water from the soil up from my roots.”
B: “Is that your final answer for an orgasm, Ms. Millionaire?”
A: “No, it’s the start. After all, we have been around for 370 million years.”
B: “We should know a thing or two about desire.”
A: “And, its culmination.”
B: “And, its departure.”
A: “Feel my vascular tissue.”
B: “Is that your heart?”
A: “It’s my plant tissue. It allows the transportation of nutrients from me to you.”
B: “When you feed me…”
A: “Our language of intimacy.”
B: “My love, how I crave your photosynthesis.”
A: “I love when there is hardly any carbon dioxide in the air.”
B: “I love when there is no erosion between us.”
A: “I love the agriculture of our love.”
B: “I heard it would be windy today.”
A: “We would lose some of our desire.”
B: “Through our defoliating leaves.”
A: “Tell me why it’s better if another tree has a stronger sex drive than you do?”
B: “I am lazy.”
A: “You don’t like to fuck.”
B: “It is a lot of work. But if someone encourages me….”
A: “You’re willing.”
B: “But trees don’t fuck.”
A: “That’s what I have been trying to say all along.”
B: “Isn’t group fucking…. pollination?”
A: “No, that’s one sexual preference of flowers.”
B: “If masturbation is self-pollination…and cross-pollination is just sex right?”
A: “What are you trying to get?”
B: “I’m just trying to see why I am so disappointing!”
A: “You talk too much.”
B: “I will shut up now.”
A: “No, it’s the words that come out of your mouths.”
B: “You make noise by just standing still.”
A: “I can’t help if my leaves can’t contain themselves in the wind.”
B: “How can I just shut up? Would you desire me more?”
A: “You’re missing the point.”
B: “Clearly.”
A: “Tell me more about your relatives.”
B: “They all died in the recent Australian fires.”
A: “I’m sorry.”
B: “Fire is a type of pollination.”
A: “Just shut up.”
B: “Okay.”
A: “That’s just a terrible way to have sex.”
B: “I know, right?”
A: “Just shut up.”